At this point in MTV's illustrious history, we just don't get the point of the network's annual Video Music Awards. Seriously — when's the last time you channel-surfed past Martha Quinn's old stomping ground and saw a real, honest-to-God music video? Or a clip that plays out in its entirety? Or even one that isn't interrupted by cut-aways to caterwauling mall rats or obscured by a crawl of unintelligible i-mail? That's what we figured. Don't feel bad, though; we can't remember the last time we saw a real video, either. But, while the VMAs may have become a joke, we still wouldn't have missed their 20th presentation for the chance to turn back the clock all the way to the era in which Madonna was wearing Gautier, not Gap, and the most offensive statement uttered on VH1's twisted sister station was "Wubba, wubba, wubba." After all, we need a good laugh as much as the next guy. And if we had skipped the streetwise ceremony, which aired live last night, we wouldn't be able to announce the winners of our own awards, the VMA MVPs. So, without further ado, please join us in saluting...

Best Rabble Rouser: Whether taking pot shots at Kobe Bryant or Ashton Kutcher, mouthy host Chris Rock pulled no punch lines. Our favorite zinger — and mind you, we don't feel good about it in the least — found the ex-Saturday Night Live joker taking aim at the lame duck of American Idol, but winging Superman in the process. "Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singer," he cracked, "is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest."

Best Girl Group: Dressed in head-to-toe bridezilla, rival pop tarts Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera traded "Like a Virgin" verses before being turned into window dressing by the arrival on stage of a tuxedoed Mrs. Guy Ritchie and Missy Elliott to perform Madge's new single, "Hollywood." As if that weren't enough to send Queer Eye for the Straight Guy taste-maker Carson into fits, the number concluded with the once-controversial Boy Toy planting lingering kisses on her heiresses apparent.

Best Egomaniac: When Eminem claimed his moon man, main man 50 Cent optimistically joined him at the dais. "50 told me if I win an award, he wants to come out there and hold it for me," the erstwhile Slim Shady explained, "so he can see how heavy they are, 'cause he's probably gonna get a lot of 'em." Nobody likes a bad winner, yo. Make change for 50 Cent already.

Best Girly Man: Eminem once again made us miss the days when the scariest thing on MTV was Cyndi Lauper's hair by paying lip service to peaceable conflict resolution, then beating the stuffing out of a Crank Yankers puppet he said he was mentoring. What we actually liked about the bit, though — and yes, there was something — was that the tough guy had to change his ensemble before allowing himself to be seen on camera again. Precious, no?

Best Wusses: Although Good Charlotte concluded their limp rendition of "Anthem" by trashing their equipment, they still resembled nothing so much as a bunch of colicky Boy Scouts angling for a Revlon endorsement. Perhaps Rock put it best when he said, "Good Charlotte? More like a mediocre Green Day."

Best Imitation of a 1970s Blaxploitation Film: A duet between 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg overloaded the stage with more fur-bearing pimps and scantily-clad hos than there were on New York City's 42nd Street pre-Giuliani. So moved by the sight was Rock that he remarked, "Tomorrow is the anniversary of Martin Luther King's 'I Have a Dream' speech. Isn't it nice to see that his dream came true?"

Best Beheading: Sadly, this entirely sensible act of violence occurred off screen. At least we hope it did. Somebody on the technical end — we won't mention any names, because, well, we don't know any — pushed a wrong button, silencing what was to have been a montage honoring Lifetime Achievement Award recipients Duran Duran and, even more horrifying, trapping the elder statesmen at the podium with noted wordsmiths Kelly Osbourne and Avril Lavigne. Poor Simon LeBon was so befuddled that it didn't even occur to him to tutor Lavigne — notoriously clueless about her forebears — on acts from the age when the M in MTV stood for "music," not "mean-spirited."

Best Linguist: Presenting with Snoop, Rock's fellow graduate of the not-ready-for-primetime players, Adam Sandler engaged in a dazzling, long-winded demonstrizzle of his abilitizzle to speakizzle Doggiz... Oh, to heck with it. Funny fellow did funny stuff. 'Nuff said.

Best Schizo: The winner is... Beyonce. The problem is... how on earth are we supposed to describe her hits mix? First the Destiny's Child megababe was lowered from the ceiling upside-down. (Thankfully — or not — by then, she'd changed out of the J. Lo hand-me-down that would have made her a true boob-tube star, were it not for the power of prayer and double-sided tape.) Then she reenacted the big Spectacular! Spectacular! production number from Moulin Rouge with an army of hip-hop Rockettes. Then the I Dream of Jeannie pants came off, the bling went on, there was rapping and booty-shaking and histrionic vocalizing and did we mention booty-shaking? All in all, we liked it. We just didn't get it.

Best Jam Band: Coldplay. Oh, we know — Gwyneth's beau makes music that's so mellow, their albums might as well be underwritten by Sominex. But we'll gladly give them their due, especially when the alternative is Metallica, who sped through a medley of MTV-made smashes, among them "Beat It" and "Smells Like Teen Spirit," with all the good cheer of... well, a Coldplay enthusiast. If there were elevator Muzak at Ozzfest, James Hetfield and Co. would be making it. For this, we didn't get to hear the reunited Duran Duran perform? In protest, we're not going to watch MTV ever again. At least not until the 2004 VMAs, anyway.

Keeping track of who's who on the red carpet at the MTV Video Music Awards can be a tall order for the most diehard music fans — let alone a journalist whose primary beats are television and film. For every Pamela Anderson and Jason Biggs that whizzed by, there were 16 Simple Plans (Who?). So, what's a dazed reporter to do? Focus on the familiar, avoid the obscure, but never — ever — let them see you sweat.

The first act to make its way down the carpet was British female duo Floetry — not the most recognizable artists around. Luckily, their publicist brought along a stack of flyers chock-full of background information. Turns out, Floetry's Natalie Stewart and Marsha Ambrosius are "the breakthrough story of the year," having landed two VMA nominations for their debut album and single Floetic. Who knew?

What wasn't covered in the flyer, however, was the origin of the duo's unusual name. "A friend of ours [suggested it]," Stewart said. "We were going by 'Nat and Marsha,' and it sounded like we were about to pull a rabbit out of a hat. So, a friend said, 'Poetry is flowing with music — it's Floetry,' and it just stuck."

Following right behind Nat and Marsha, er, Floetry, was the publicist for TRL host Damien Fahey, who, according to a postcard she handed me, is "MTV's most popular VJ." (Who knew?) The postcard also urged reporters to, "Ask Damien about Chris Rock — good story!" Seconds later, Carson Daly's successor appeared and I wasted no time following up on that hot Chris Rock tip. "I met Chris the other day," Fahey said. "I went to his dressing room and said, 'Hey Chris, I'm Damien. I'm on MTV.' He [replied], 'I know who you are. Man, you sucked your first week. You were awful. Now you're really good, but before you sucked.'"

Rocco DiSpirito, star of NBC's hit reality show The Restaurant, stopped by (sans flies) to defend his much-maligned New York eatery — which recently got slapped with six violations from the New York Health Department. "The health department finds problems everywhere," he argued. "That's what they're job is. Relative to what it could have been, it was very minor. There were no critical violations.

"People leave our restaurant happy — I make sure of it," added the celeb chef. "I talked to every table last night personally, and I think there was one table that thought their food could have been different, but 400 people were very happy walking out the door."

Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd field agent Aly Al hinted that the VMAs might one day be a staging ground for an elaborate prank. "You never can tell," he smirked. Has the joker met Kutcher's red-hot mama, er, girlfriend? "I have indeed met Demi," he winked. "[They make a] nice little couple."

Speaking of nice couples, tennis greats Serena and Venus Williams stopped by, and Serena confirmed that her dramatic acting debut on Showtime's Street Time was delayed as a result of a recent knee injury. (She'll tape the episode on Sept. 8.) "I play a reformed gang member," she said. "[She] went to jail, but it wasn't [her] fault."

No one needed a flyer to ID the next group of performers making their way down the red carpet — the stars of Bravo's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. A fellow reporter asked Carson Kressley what it's like to be gay and so popular, and the quick-witted stylist quipped, "It's like high school, but reversed."

It's snappy comebacks like that that will only intensify speculation that Kressley will be the first member of the Fab Five to set out on his own. After all, the future talk show host just signed with high-powered Hollywood agency ICM for representation in all areas. "We're a group," argued Kressley's co-star Thom Filicia (interior design). "We're all about the Fab Five."

Another group that showed no signs of splitting up were the Olsen twins, who walked hand-in-hand all the way to Radio City Music Hall. Mary-Kate and Ashley — who just completed filming the comedy New York Minute in Toronto — seemed tongue-tied when asked to critique their current (and rather sexy) Rolling Stone cover. "It's an honor," said Mary-Kate (or was it Ashley?), "but we would never let that go past that."

Fame champ Harlemm Lee was clearly enjoying his moment in the spotlight. "I was in Times Square and people were recognizing me from Fame," marveled the up-and-coming crooner, whose debut album is due in November. "I'm almost halfway done. We've been knocking out a song every three days."

R&B babe Mya revealed that she just knocked out a plum part in the upcoming Jennifer Lopez-Richard Gere romance Shall We Dance. "I play Lisa, and I'm in a ballroom dance competition with my husband," she said. "It's a love story for many characters and couples."

Jason Biggs also broke some news to TV Guide Online at the VMAs. The American Wedding star said reports that he's slated to replace Robert Downey Jr. in Woody Allen's next film are premature. "I don't know if it's going to happen," he said. "I think I'm too young for the part. We'll see."

In other movie news, David Spade was out promoting his latest comedy Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, which is enjoying some good advance buzz. "I just got a whole [stack] of reviews and they're great," the Joe Dirt star exclaimed. "I'm shocked that finally the [critics] are on my team."

Newlywed Jessica Simpson — whose MTV reality series with hubby Nick Lachey is shaping up to be a ratings winner — admitted that the show accurately portrayed her as a dunce in the laundry room. "I really didn't know how to use a washer and dryer," she said. "I really had never done laundry before — until I got married. My husband makes me a better woman."

Hilary Duff also was in a celebratory mood: Her song "So Yesterday" is No. 1 on Billboard's singles chart. "I can't believe that it's me," she gushed. "I'm really excited." She had more modest expectations for her new CD Metamorphosis, which hit stores on Tuesday — the same day as Mary J. Blige's new disc Love & Life. "Mary J.'s a legend, so I think [Metamorphosis] will debut at No. 2."

Last but not least, a radiant Kim Cattrall sauntered down the carpet minus her Absolut Hunk. "I only see him on the set," she said of her Sex and the City leading man Jason Lewis. When a fellow reporter asked the newly-single actress whether a guy has to be gay to enjoy Sex, she responded, "No. It's a guy who is not frightened of women or frightened of his own femininity."

After seven seasons on Saturday Night Live, Tracy Morgan bade the skitcom farewell this year. We'll miss his goofball characters, like Safari Planet host Brian Fellowes and Astronaut Jones. His unflattering impersonation of The View co-hostess Star Jones was wicked fun, too! Next up, he'll star in his own self-titled NBC midseason family comedy, The Tracy Morgan Show.

"Nine years ago," Morgan marvels, "when I first came to Hollywood, I played a character called Hustle Man on Martin, if anybody remembers. And there was no way in the world I was going to have my own... I sat there, I was like, 'Wow, he got his own TV show.' And then, I got Saturday Night Live, right?

"And now, nine years later, I'm out here with my own TV show," grins the 34-year-old father of three. "This is surreal and it's happening and I love it. I'm glad I got my own TV show."

Natch, it's every comic's dream to strike sitcom gold. Ka-ching! But for Morgan, it's more personal than that. "Well, I didn't want to just do a sitcom," he says. "I've played a lot of different outrageous characters, and this character that I play now, Tracy Mitchell, gets to show the public that I'm a dad. [It] gets to show a different side of me. I grew up in a broken home, so this is what it would have been like if my dad would have stayed with my mom. This is what I wanted to see and I'm proud of it."