Before the 2005 Golden Globes get underway, let me take a moment to share with you my traditional pre-award show wish list. For this year's Globes to be deemed a success, one of the following three things must happen: First, I have to avoid getting head-butted with the fancy new boom mics that are being used in the press room. Second, I have to witness at least one tense moment between archenemies Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood. And last but not least, and this kinda goes without saying, Mariska Hargitay needs to win for best actress in a drama series.

8:03 pm Tony Potts and his camera crew from Access Hollywood set up shop right next to me.

8:05 The first award goes to Clive Owen for Closer. Oooh, I'll have to ask him about those 007 rumors.

8:06 The second award goes to Natalie Portman for Closer. Oooh, I'll have to ask her about her uncanny resemblance to Keri Russell.

8:16 Capt. Kirk wins! Oooh, I'll have to ask him for the latest on his Enterprise guest stint. Wait, I already asked him about that on the red carpet. Here's what he said: "It's not happening this season. If [Enterprise] returns next season, it'll probably happen then."

8:20 Portman arrives backstage and reveals that she's currently going to school in Israel.

8:21 She starts having a conversation with a reporter in Hebrew. Show-off.

8:25 Now it's Owen's turn to face the press. I ask him about buzz that he's the new frontrunner for the role of James Bond. He insists it's all "just rumors."

8:26 There's a lull in the press room, so everyone's attention turns back to the monitors. Claire Danes and Topher Grace are getting ready to announce the best actress in a drama series winner. "And the Golden Globe goes to — Mariska Har... "

8:27 Darkness.

8:28 More darkness. Am I dead?

8:29 Uh.... where am I? What happened? Why am I on the floor? I must've passed out. The last thing I remember is... Oh. My. God. Mariska won! Woo-hoo! Crap, I missed her acceptance speech. Did she thank me?

8:34 Fresh off his supporting actor win, Capt. Kirk beams up backstage and admits, "I really wanted to win." Speaking of winning... go, Mariska!

8:35 As Kirk continues to field questions, I'm gonna go try and track down my Mariska.

8:38 Nope, she's not in the hallway.

8:40 Nope, she's not in the refreshment room.

8:41 Found her. She's in the photo room having her picture taken. All I hear is, "Mariska, over here!" "Mariska, hold up your Golden Globe!" "Mariska!" "Mariska!" I'm tempted to yell back, "Stop screaming at my girl!"

8:46 I hope she didn't take my "No, I can't!" the wrong way.

8:48 I take my seat in the press room again and Mariska in the middle of answering a reporter's question about her future on Law & Order: SVU. "I'm so not over it yet," she says.

8:51 Someone asks her about her dad and she starts to cry.

9:53 Before leaving the stage, she dedicates her trophy to Jerry Orbach. Yep, she's a class act.

8:55 Jason Bateman won? How long was I out for? In any event, he's backstage letting reporters in on his pre-Globes warm-up. "I snorted a whole can of Red Bull before I got here."

9:00 "Being with you guys is the best part of my evening," Bateman deadpans to the press.

9:04 Being Julia victor Annette Benning explains to reporters why she looked into the camera and tugged on her ear right before winning. "It was a message to my kids," she says. What was the message? "It's a secret."

9:15 Nip/Tuck's Golden Globe-winning creator, Ryan Murphy explains why he re-signed for two more seasons: "I felt extreme loyalty to the cast and crew and I had more stories to tell." Translation: FX showed him the money.

9:25 Hey, I still have a few sips of Diet Raspberry Snapple left. What a nice surprise.

9:26 Tony Potts needs a tissue! Emergency!

9:27 An Access Hollywood staffer runs off to get Tony Potts a tissue.

9:27:30 Tony Potts wipes his nose clean. Phew, that was a close one.

9:35 Best TV-movie actress winner Glenn Close reveals that she just shot her first episode of The Shield last week. "It was a great workout," she says.

9:55 Best TV comedy actress winner Teri Hatcher calls forgetting to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press Assoc. during her acceptance speech "a huge error on my part. We're so grateful for their support."

9:57 Right before her name was called out, Hatcher says she "leaned over to Marcia [Cross] and I said 'If any one of us wins this, it's just a big group trophy.'"

9:59 What was Hatcher doing during last year's Golden Globes? Let's ask her: "A year ago, I was in my pajamas in bed watching the show and eating popcorn."

10:05 Mick Jagger reveals his secret for staying manorexic. "Dancing a lot and going to the gym."

10:11 Jagger says he's working on a new Rolling Stones album — in between dancing a lot and going to the gym.

10:12 "I just saw The Aviator on the plane over here," Jagger says. "I thought it was a great film." Hey, how'd he get The Aviator? My flight was showing First Daughter.

10:40 Cecil B. DeMille recipient Robin Williams is in the house, and is talking about what was going through his mind during his career retrospective. "That's enough of Popeye," he cracks. "Popeye's a great movie — if you run it backwards."

10:45 Offering his theory about what went wrong between Brad and Jennifer, Williams jokes, "Once you've been Achilles, you're vulnerable."

11:00 The entire cast of Desperate Housewives is in the press room basking in their best comedy series win. When a reporter asks which of the women has the best love life, all the gals point to Felicity Huffman. Bill Macy, you little devil!

11:10 Housewives creator/exec producer Marc Cherry says Marcia Cross initially balked at reciting the line, "Rex cries when he ejaculates." Eventually, he says, she came around.

11:11 What do Halle Berry, Kevin Spacey and Lawrence Fishburne have in common? They all admitted to being big fans of the show, Eva Longoria reveals.

11:12 The first-season Housewives DVD drops in August. Scoop!

11:12 On being named the worst dressed celeb by Mr. Blackwell, Nicollette Sheridan sasses, "I'd rather be No. 1 on the worst-dressed than No. 2 on the best-dressed. What the hell does Mr. Blackwell know anyway?"

11:22 A reporter asks best actor winner Jamie Foxx how the Golden Globe will affect his love life. "I call it leverage," he says.

11:23 "Is this the best day of my life?" Foxx ponders. "Yes, it is." Sounds like I'm not the only one who's a little overwhelmed by Mariska's big win.

Right after TV Guide Channel stars Joan and Melissa Rivers, the most enthusiastic Guide staffer on the Golden Globes red carpet was moi, Daniel R. Coleridge. "Look! There's Uma! There's Nicole! There's Topher! There's the Bachelorette! Wait, what's she doin' here?" Here, I proudly present to you the highlights from a star-studded afternoon of celebrity gawking, fawning and downright interrogation.

Swooning Secrets
The red carpet opens two hours before the telecast, but stars don't actually start turning up until an hour before. And the really big stars turn up five minutes before. My first "celebrity" of the evening was The Bachelorette's Jen Schefft. FYI, Jen still insists she didn't dump the fainter for passing out during the first rose ceremony. "I haven't spoken to him [since the show]," she said, "but he's actually from [my hometown of] Chicago and I've heard him laughing and joking about it on the radio. He's OK." Has tabloid queen Schefft any advice for the soon-to-be-former Mr. and Mrs. Pitt about handling a public breakup? "I think Brad and Jen will both be fine — he can always call me to say hello. We can be friends. But I must say, I'm not looking [for love]."

Tuck Everlasting
Aww... Nip/Tuck scoundrel Julian McMahon strolled the carpet with his mother, Lady Sonia McMahon. (Don't forget McMahon's a blueblood from Down Under whose father was Australia's prime minister.) I had to ask whassup with Dr. Christian Troy finding himself in disfiguring predicaments twice last season. First, the laughing gas-addicted Dr. Bobolit tried to slash his face, then the Carver attacked his mug in the season finale. "I think the writers obviously have some kind of issue with me," McMahon grins. "I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna find it out before we go back for the third season and get rid of them!" Judging from that fateful finale scene, we guess Dr. Troy won't be so handsome the next time we see him. "Christian's very good with a knife himself," McMahon winks, "so even though he is paralyzed [by the Carver's drug injection] at that point in time, you never know what might happen."

Star Scruff
McMahon's Nip/Tuck partner, Dylan Walsh (Dr. Sean McNamara) arrived sporting quite the scruffy beard. "I totally forgot to shave," he joked. "No, I got tired of the look of my face. I got tired of looking so damn good!" Can't help but notice some gray in that beard... "There is gray," he conceded. "This is me. I'm a dad, I have three kids, I'm 41." Well, even with the whiskers, you're giving all us guys hope for our forties, Dylan.

Water, Water Everywhere
It's harsh wearing a black tuxedo in 81 degree weather, kiddies. Red carpet reporters were absolutely wilting in the L.A. sun when Beverly Hilton staffers graciously began handing out bottles of Evian. Too bad one of 'em clumsily knocked over the Evian cooler, spilling water and ice all over, creating Lake Michigan right in the middle of the red carpet! "There's a gallon of water! Tim Robbins just walked through it," Arrested Development's Will Arnett laughed. "If one of those Desperate Housewives gets wet, I'm gonna throw a s--t fit! Can I say s--t to TV Guide?" Ya just did, Will. Nice. Anyway, at least the red carpet proved absorbent.

Desperate Delights
Desperate Housewives lovebirds Teri Hatcher and James Denton were obviously reveling in their newfound A-listyness, but remained humble. "The [Golden Globe] nomination hasn't changed a lot," Hatcher smiled. "I still changed my cat's litter box today." (Congrats Teri on the big win! Couldn't have happened to a nicer gal.) By the way, did Mike ever fix his ceiling after Hatcher's Susan fell through it? "Yes, I, Mike patched it myself because I'm so handy," Denton grinned. "The floor's all patched and the bathroom's ready for operation." Lastly, what the hell is Mike's big secret?! "I can't help you," he laughed. "I'd get fired. When Teri and I were on the cover of TV Guide, our loose lips told more than [our bosses] wanted us to reveal. It's been made very clear to us that if we [do it] again, we'll be the next Mrs. Huber."

Lost Kiss
"It was the coolest day of my life!" Lost girl Maggie Grace said of filming Shannon's medivac airlift scene after her imaginary monster attack. "No, put that it was one of the coolest days of my life! I don't want to sound like a Valley girl." Speaking of imaginary moments, Shannon's kiss with "brother" Boone (Ian Sommerhalder) wasn't exactly romantic. "Ian and I are good friends," Grace said. "On the last take — this was too good an opportunity to pass up — I filled my mouth with raw, warm, minced onion and garlic — and shoved it into his mouth. It was a fun last take! That's an exclusive for you." Thanks, Mags.

If He Were A Gambling Man...
...Denis Leary would have a fortune in his pocket right about now. "The Vegas odds were 8-2 against me when I checked a few days ago, so that put me in fourth place," the Rescue Me nominee said. "If I was voting, I would vote for Ian McShane from Deadwood. Seniority should rule in these things. He's been around for a long time." Sure enough, McShane triumphed! Hey, would you have the cajones to bet against brawlin' brothel owner Al Swearingen?

Living With Grace
Will Minnie Driver return to Will & Grace as vampy Lorraine Finster? "Yes, I will be back," Driver said. "I just saw Megan Mullally (Karen) here. I miss working with my stepmommy. We've got to do more!" Asked what trouble she'd like Lorraine to get up to next, Driver joked, "I would like to come back as a man!"

Royal Spotting
Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson says her talk show — which she's titled The Fergie Factor — is currently seeking a TV network home. More importantly, what's her take on her nephew Prince Harry's costume party scandal? (For those who've been living in a cave, he dressed as one of Nazi General Rommel's African corpsmen, complete with a swastika band on his left arm.) "It was a very, very poor judgment call," Fergie conceded. "I don't condone his choice of costume. However, he's a fine young man and he's apologized. And now we must move on, and we must help him move on."

Fashion Faux Pas
Apart from Robin Williams' silver zig-zag patterned cowboy boots, the biggest red carpet fashion gaffe was my own. "Your bow tie is coming slightly askew," Boston Legal's William Shatner informed me. "It's got a rakish thing, but maybe you don't want that." "So what you're saying is I'm not cute enough to pull it off?" I ventured. "Well... you're cute," Shatner chuckled. Thanks, Bill! By the way, don't hold your breath waiting for Captain Kirk to guest star on Enterprise. "They wouldn't cough up enough money," Shatner said. "It won't happen this season. [Maybe I'll do it] if there is another season for Enterprise."

Do I Smell Fresh?
Proactive Arrested Development kids Alia Shawkat and Michael Cera handed out Eclipse mints to any media member who'd consent to interview them. "We're trying to get an endorsement deal from Eclipse," Cera grinned. "It's for powerful, fresh breath!" If you get it, my young friends, this reporter wants a cut of the cash. I'm not too proud to ask. After all, if Joan Rivers can pass around her tip jar...

Random Silly Sightings
Wow! Orlando Bloom and Topher Grace are both really skinny in person... So much for catfighting castmates on Desperate Housewives. Marcia Cross and Eva Longoria did a big "kiss kiss" on the red carpet for all of us to see... David Hasselhoff (a little too enthusiastically) shakes the hand of a bemused Leonardo DiCaprio. He appears to be praising Leo's performance in The Aviator — and probably asking him for a job.

Wouldn't all you Newhart fans just love a reunion show? Well, sorry, you ain't gettin' one. But how's this? As previously reported by TV Guide Online, Peter Scolari and Julia Duffy — who played lovebirds on Bob Newhart's 1982-90 sitcom — will guest-star on tonight's Listen Up (8:30 pm/ET on CBS). In the episode, entitled "Snub Thy Neighbor," they play Jason Alexander's snooty new next-door neighbors.

"We're very straight-laced, which is funny because that's anything but what we were on Newhart," says Duffy, who played daffy debutante Stephanie to Scolari's yuppie hubby Michael. "On Listen Up, Jason Alexander and his wife are the wacky neighbors trying to ingratiate themselves to us, and we're normal."

Here's the sitch: "Jason meets Peter while he's taking out the garbage, and then he's obsessing over whether to say hello to the new neighbors or be distant," the Designing Women alumna previews. "And then when we are the ones who are distant, Jason gets even more obsessive about it! We have a neighborhood party and invite everyone except them. When he comes over, we are very, very friendly, but we do not invite him in. So it's a mystery because we're perfectly nice but we won't go past a certain point with him. You'll have to watch to find out why."

The Newhart stars, who are slated to do at least two Listen Up episodes, were thrilled to work together again, though they've certainly kept in touch since Newhart wrapped its run 15 years ago. "I live in L.A. and Peter lives in New York," she says. "My daughter goes to NYU, and she actually baby-sits for his two little ones. In fact, while we were on the Listen Up set, his wife called him because she needed a babysitter, and he called my daughter, while I was standing there, to see if she was free! It's a small world."