Right after TV Guide Channel stars Joan and Melissa Rivers, the most enthusiastic Guide staffer on the Golden Globes red carpet was moi, Daniel R. Coleridge. "Look! There's Uma! There's Nicole! There's Topher! There's the Bachelorette! Wait, what's she doin' here?" Here, I proudly present to you the highlights from a star-studded afternoon of celebrity gawking, fawning and downright interrogation.

Swooning Secrets
The red carpet opens two hours before the telecast, but stars don't actually start turning up until an hour before. And the really big stars turn up five minutes before. My first "celebrity" of the evening was The Bachelorette's Jen Schefft. FYI, Jen still insists she didn't dump the fainter for passing out during the first rose ceremony. "I haven't spoken to him [since the show]," she said, "but he's actually from [my hometown of] Chicago and I've heard him laughing and joking about it on the radio. He's OK." Has tabloid queen Schefft any advice for the soon-to-be-former Mr. and Mrs. Pitt about handling a public breakup? "I think Brad and Jen will both be fine — he can always call me to say hello. We can be friends. But I must say, I'm not looking [for love]."

Tuck Everlasting
Aww... Nip/Tuck scoundrel Julian McMahon strolled the carpet with his mother, Lady Sonia McMahon. (Don't forget McMahon's a blueblood from Down Under whose father was Australia's prime minister.) I had to ask whassup with Dr. Christian Troy finding himself in disfiguring predicaments twice last season. First, the laughing gas-addicted Dr. Bobolit tried to slash his face, then the Carver attacked his mug in the season finale. "I think the writers obviously have some kind of issue with me," McMahon grins. "I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna find it out before we go back for the third season and get rid of them!" Judging from that fateful finale scene, we guess Dr. Troy won't be so handsome the next time we see him. "Christian's very good with a knife himself," McMahon winks, "so even though he is paralyzed [by the Carver's drug injection] at that point in time, you never know what might happen."

Star Scruff
McMahon's Nip/Tuck partner, Dylan Walsh (Dr. Sean McNamara) arrived sporting quite the scruffy beard. "I totally forgot to shave," he joked. "No, I got tired of the look of my face. I got tired of looking so damn good!" Can't help but notice some gray in that beard... "There is gray," he conceded. "This is me. I'm a dad, I have three kids, I'm 41." Well, even with the whiskers, you're giving all us guys hope for our forties, Dylan.

Water, Water Everywhere
It's harsh wearing a black tuxedo in 81 degree weather, kiddies. Red carpet reporters were absolutely wilting in the L.A. sun when Beverly Hilton staffers graciously began handing out bottles of Evian. Too bad one of 'em clumsily knocked over the Evian cooler, spilling water and ice all over, creating Lake Michigan right in the middle of the red carpet! "There's a gallon of water! Tim Robbins just walked through it," Arrested Development's Will Arnett laughed. "If one of those Desperate Housewives gets wet, I'm gonna throw a s--t fit! Can I say s--t to TV Guide?" Ya just did, Will. Nice. Anyway, at least the red carpet proved absorbent.

Desperate Delights
Desperate Housewives lovebirds Teri Hatcher and James Denton were obviously reveling in their newfound A-listyness, but remained humble. "The [Golden Globe] nomination hasn't changed a lot," Hatcher smiled. "I still changed my cat's litter box today." (Congrats Teri on the big win! Couldn't have happened to a nicer gal.) By the way, did Mike ever fix his ceiling after Hatcher's Susan fell through it? "Yes, I, Mike patched it myself because I'm so handy," Denton grinned. "The floor's all patched and the bathroom's ready for operation." Lastly, what the hell is Mike's big secret?! "I can't help you," he laughed. "I'd get fired. When Teri and I were on the cover of TV Guide, our loose lips told more than [our bosses] wanted us to reveal. It's been made very clear to us that if we [do it] again, we'll be the next Mrs. Huber."

Lost Kiss
"It was the coolest day of my life!" Lost girl Maggie Grace said of filming Shannon's medivac airlift scene after her imaginary monster attack. "No, put that it was one of the coolest days of my life! I don't want to sound like a Valley girl." Speaking of imaginary moments, Shannon's kiss with "brother" Boone (Ian Sommerhalder) wasn't exactly romantic. "Ian and I are good friends," Grace said. "On the last take — this was too good an opportunity to pass up — I filled my mouth with raw, warm, minced onion and garlic — and shoved it into his mouth. It was a fun last take! That's an exclusive for you." Thanks, Mags.

If He Were A Gambling Man...
...Denis Leary would have a fortune in his pocket right about now. "The Vegas odds were 8-2 against me when I checked a few days ago, so that put me in fourth place," the Rescue Me nominee said. "If I was voting, I would vote for Ian McShane from Deadwood. Seniority should rule in these things. He's been around for a long time." Sure enough, McShane triumphed! Hey, would you have the cajones to bet against brawlin' brothel owner Al Swearingen?

Living With Grace
Will Minnie Driver return to Will & Grace as vampy Lorraine Finster? "Yes, I will be back," Driver said. "I just saw Megan Mullally (Karen) here. I miss working with my stepmommy. We've got to do more!" Asked what trouble she'd like Lorraine to get up to next, Driver joked, "I would like to come back as a man!"

Royal Spotting
Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson says her talk show — which she's titled The Fergie Factor — is currently seeking a TV network home. More importantly, what's her take on her nephew Prince Harry's costume party scandal? (For those who've been living in a cave, he dressed as one of Nazi General Rommel's African corpsmen, complete with a swastika band on his left arm.) "It was a very, very poor judgment call," Fergie conceded. "I don't condone his choice of costume. However, he's a fine young man and he's apologized. And now we must move on, and we must help him move on."

Fashion Faux Pas
Apart from Robin Williams' silver zig-zag patterned cowboy boots, the biggest red carpet fashion gaffe was my own. "Your bow tie is coming slightly askew," Boston Legal's William Shatner informed me. "It's got a rakish thing, but maybe you don't want that." "So what you're saying is I'm not cute enough to pull it off?" I ventured. "Well... you're cute," Shatner chuckled. Thanks, Bill! By the way, don't hold your breath waiting for Captain Kirk to guest star on Enterprise. "They wouldn't cough up enough money," Shatner said. "It won't happen this season. [Maybe I'll do it] if there is another season for Enterprise."

Do I Smell Fresh?
Proactive Arrested Development kids Alia Shawkat and Michael Cera handed out Eclipse mints to any media member who'd consent to interview them. "We're trying to get an endorsement deal from Eclipse," Cera grinned. "It's for powerful, fresh breath!" If you get it, my young friends, this reporter wants a cut of the cash. I'm not too proud to ask. After all, if Joan Rivers can pass around her tip jar...

Random Silly Sightings
Wow! Orlando Bloom and Topher Grace are both really skinny in person... So much for catfighting castmates on Desperate Housewives. Marcia Cross and Eva Longoria did a big "kiss kiss" on the red carpet for all of us to see... David Hasselhoff (a little too enthusiastically) shakes the hand of a bemused Leonardo DiCaprio. He appears to be praising Leo's performance in The Aviator — and probably asking him for a job.