Before the 2005 Golden Globes get underway, let me take a moment to share with you my traditional pre-award show wish list. For this year's Globes to be deemed a success, one of the following three things must happen: First, I have to avoid getting head-butted with the fancy new boom mics that are being used in the press room. Second, I have to witness at least one tense moment between archenemies Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood. And last but not least, and this kinda goes without saying, Mariska Hargitay needs to win for best actress in a drama series.

8:03 pm Tony Potts and his camera crew from Access Hollywood set up shop right next to me.

8:05 The first award goes to Clive Owen for Closer. Oooh, I'll have to ask him about those 007 rumors.

8:06 The second award goes to Natalie Portman for Closer. Oooh, I'll have to ask her about her uncanny resemblance to Keri Russell.

8:16 Capt. Kirk wins! Oooh, I'll have to ask him for the latest on his Enterprise guest stint. Wait, I already asked him about that on the red carpet. Here's what he said: "It's not happening this season. If [Enterprise] returns next season, it'll probably happen then."

8:20 Portman arrives backstage and reveals that she's currently going to school in Israel.

8:21 She starts having a conversation with a reporter in Hebrew. Show-off.

8:25 Now it's Owen's turn to face the press. I ask him about buzz that he's the new frontrunner for the role of James Bond. He insists it's all "just rumors."

8:26 There's a lull in the press room, so everyone's attention turns back to the monitors. Claire Danes and Topher Grace are getting ready to announce the best actress in a drama series winner. "And the Golden Globe goes to — Mariska Har... "

8:27 Darkness.

8:28 More darkness. Am I dead?

8:29 Uh.... where am I? What happened? Why am I on the floor? I must've passed out. The last thing I remember is... Oh. My. God. Mariska won! Woo-hoo! Crap, I missed her acceptance speech. Did she thank me?

8:34 Fresh off his supporting actor win, Capt. Kirk beams up backstage and admits, "I really wanted to win." Speaking of winning... go, Mariska!

8:35 As Kirk continues to field questions, I'm gonna go try and track down my Mariska.

8:38 Nope, she's not in the hallway.

8:40 Nope, she's not in the refreshment room.

8:41 Found her. She's in the photo room having her picture taken. All I hear is, "Mariska, over here!" "Mariska, hold up your Golden Globe!" "Mariska!" "Mariska!" I'm tempted to yell back, "Stop screaming at my girl!"

8:46 I hope she didn't take my "No, I can't!" the wrong way.

8:48 I take my seat in the press room again and Mariska in the middle of answering a reporter's question about her future on Law & Order: SVU. "I'm so not over it yet," she says.

8:51 Someone asks her about her dad and she starts to cry.

9:53 Before leaving the stage, she dedicates her trophy to Jerry Orbach. Yep, she's a class act.

8:55 Jason Bateman won? How long was I out for? In any event, he's backstage letting reporters in on his pre-Globes warm-up. "I snorted a whole can of Red Bull before I got here."

9:00 "Being with you guys is the best part of my evening," Bateman deadpans to the press.

9:04 Being Julia victor Annette Benning explains to reporters why she looked into the camera and tugged on her ear right before winning. "It was a message to my kids," she says. What was the message? "It's a secret."

9:15 Nip/Tuck's Golden Globe-winning creator, Ryan Murphy explains why he re-signed for two more seasons: "I felt extreme loyalty to the cast and crew and I had more stories to tell." Translation: FX showed him the money.

9:25 Hey, I still have a few sips of Diet Raspberry Snapple left. What a nice surprise.

9:26 Tony Potts needs a tissue! Emergency!

9:27 An Access Hollywood staffer runs off to get Tony Potts a tissue.

9:27:30 Tony Potts wipes his nose clean. Phew, that was a close one.

9:35 Best TV-movie actress winner Glenn Close reveals that she just shot her first episode of The Shield last week. "It was a great workout," she says.

9:55 Best TV comedy actress winner Teri Hatcher calls forgetting to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press Assoc. during her acceptance speech "a huge error on my part. We're so grateful for their support."

9:57 Right before her name was called out, Hatcher says she "leaned over to Marcia [Cross] and I said 'If any one of us wins this, it's just a big group trophy.'"

9:59 What was Hatcher doing during last year's Golden Globes? Let's ask her: "A year ago, I was in my pajamas in bed watching the show and eating popcorn."

10:05 Mick Jagger reveals his secret for staying manorexic. "Dancing a lot and going to the gym."

10:11 Jagger says he's working on a new Rolling Stones album — in between dancing a lot and going to the gym.

10:12 "I just saw The Aviator on the plane over here," Jagger says. "I thought it was a great film." Hey, how'd he get The Aviator? My flight was showing First Daughter.

10:40 Cecil B. DeMille recipient Robin Williams is in the house, and is talking about what was going through his mind during his career retrospective. "That's enough of Popeye," he cracks. "Popeye's a great movie — if you run it backwards."

10:45 Offering his theory about what went wrong between Brad and Jennifer, Williams jokes, "Once you've been Achilles, you're vulnerable."

11:00 The entire cast of Desperate Housewives is in the press room basking in their best comedy series win. When a reporter asks which of the women has the best love life, all the gals point to Felicity Huffman. Bill Macy, you little devil!

11:10 Housewives creator/exec producer Marc Cherry says Marcia Cross initially balked at reciting the line, "Rex cries when he ejaculates." Eventually, he says, she came around.

11:11 What do Halle Berry, Kevin Spacey and Lawrence Fishburne have in common? They all admitted to being big fans of the show, Eva Longoria reveals.

11:12 The first-season Housewives DVD drops in August. Scoop!

11:12 On being named the worst dressed celeb by Mr. Blackwell, Nicollette Sheridan sasses, "I'd rather be No. 1 on the worst-dressed than No. 2 on the best-dressed. What the hell does Mr. Blackwell know anyway?"

11:22 A reporter asks best actor winner Jamie Foxx how the Golden Globe will affect his love life. "I call it leverage," he says.

11:23 "Is this the best day of my life?" Foxx ponders. "Yes, it is." Sounds like I'm not the only one who's a little overwhelmed by Mariska's big win.